I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
