from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
