I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This toilet bowl is my home.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
