I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
