he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
