OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
