My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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