The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
