My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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