that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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