yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
