There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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