I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
