I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
