I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I deserve this hangover.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
