You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
