New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
