She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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