Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
