i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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