I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
