Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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