So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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