I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
