I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
