and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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