i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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