I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
