i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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