We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
