I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
