Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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