I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
