I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
