He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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