I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
