Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
