I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
