i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
