I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
