sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
