Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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