I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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