That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
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