so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
