I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
