Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
