Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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