Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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