rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
