I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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