Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
