I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
